The Flips

About three years ago, I crashed, but before that I was an amazing girl. Attractive, popular party girl with a great job and active social life. My flips were fabulous. There are degrees, and most of the time when I flipped I kept things under control. A flip that remains in control makes me gregarious, unpredictable, impulsive and frankly, delightful. People are drawn to me, laugh with me, and act out with me.

The acting out is a problem. For another post.

My Lover

If it wasn't for my partner taking care of me I don't know what I'd do. I have the most wonderful partner in the world, and I am very lucky in this regard. But I'm scared he's getting burned out and I don't want him to leave me because I'm disfunctional.

Several of you have written in suggesting doctors and treatments, and I'm so appreciative. I have a wonderful doctor/therapist and she's done wonders with me over the past years.

When I first went to see her my partner had to clean me up and dress me like a little girl and half-carry me to the car. It wasn't that I didn't want help, I just couldn't get out of bed.

I know he resents the burdens I place on him. I try to do all I can, but I haven't left the house in three weeks. We are running out of money because I haven't worked in three years, and that takes its toll on our relationship too.

I cry everytime I think about losing him, and I think about it every day.

Don't Ask, I Won't Tell

WaPo had an interesting article this weekend about whether you should tell your boss if you have mental illness. It's a good read, and a real dilemma.

No one knows that I am sick. People think I am an unreliable flake from all the years I went untreated. I believe that if I give them the real story, they won't trust me. I have to let my actions prove otherwise.

I believe that I can.

Good Times and Bad Times

The last two weeks have been a bi-polar rapid cycling nightmare. I have had no inclination to blog, even though I always feel better when I write. When I'm up, I don't want to blog about the bad times, and when I'm down, I can't do anything. This blog is important to me and important to my therapy and progress.

Eventually I will need to get a job, but all I can do is lie in the bed. Something has to change. I can't live my life through a television and a laptop. I have to do my fucking taxes.

Sometimes I take Adderall that I get from my best friend. This super speedy pill allows me to have a normal day. When I used to take it recreationally, before my diagnoses, it would flip me into a manic episode. More on this later.

What did people with depression do before laptops? Televisions? I used to devour books- reading has always been a passion for me- but my depression has ruined that source of pleasure. Depression takes away everything you love.

Flip

I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I was only diagnosed recently, but I've known I was different my whole life. Even with treatment, I am still different. Sometimes, I just flip.

I think I'm getting better, but I'm in bed right now. I haven't left the bed all week except to pee and walk the dogs. I had food delivered.I hide my depression from the world. Everyone thinks I'm just hard to pin down because I am super busy. They think I'm highly successful. My friend's don't know anything is wrong.

My friends do know about the flips. Anyone who drinks with me has seen me flip. The man behind the curtain flips a light switch and I lose all self control. Usually I become a fabulous and charming party girl, but I've been known to strip, steal, have sex with strangers, refuse to leave bars, try break into bars, try to buy drugs from strangers, play in the toilet, insult people to their faces, spill the deepest secrets of myself and my loved ones, and act out in other ways so bad I can't write about them yet. There are naked pictures of me on the internet, hooking up with both guys and girls.

I've been arrested several times for partying related incidents, but I usually manage to worm my way out of trouble. I am manipulative and sociopathic, and I've been blessed with good looks, so I get away with more than I should.

I am 31 years old.

Two years ago, I had a nervous break down and sunk into a deep depression. I still didn't see a doctor for over a year, and I had to use cocaine or adderall just to leave the house.

Now I'm medicated and I'm not supposed to drink or do drugs, but I still do.

Since I'm practically a shut-in, I surf the internet a lot, and I read a lot of blogs. My therapist suggested that I start a blog about my struggles, so here I am. This blog is my confessional- there are things I can't even tell my therapist.It will be nice to have an outlet for my shame. Any community support would just be a bonus.

Things are quiet. I'll probably stay in bed tomorrow too. Dysthymia isn't interesting, but my flips from the past should give me plenty of material.

I'm Aerial. Welcome to my World.