Flip

I'm Up!

2007-05-03T13:25:00.000Z

It's amazing what a difference it makes to have somewhere to go in the morning. I got a new temp job, thank god, and even though I want to kill myself when the alarm goes off at 6:30 am, I like it.

This doesn't mean I'm up for good, or even that I'll have steady work in the future, but this week has been really good. Even though I wear the same outfit every day. Wardrobe decisions are still beyond me at this point, but that's ok. I'm working in a building with 1400 people and no one pays any attention to me. I even get to eat for free by finding out where the conferences are and blending in with the crowd.

So, I'm up. For now. I even went out last night for a little while, but I didn't drink (can't afford it), so no flips to write about. I'm sure my blog would be more interesting if I had the money to keep partying, but I'm afraid that part of my life is behind me now.

I miss it, and I'm afraid it's over for good. I was a fantastic party girl, too. My therapist says I have to grieve properly, to mourn the loss of who I was and who I thought I would be. I guess that process starts now.

Fired

2007-04-23T20:51:00.000Z

I got fired from my temp job today.

I haven't been blogging because I've been trying to actually get out of bed every day, at least for a little while. A friend of a friend works at a temporary agency, and she pushed my application through, and I had my first job today. And not a moment too soon- my checking account balance is critically low, and I need to do something. My partner isn't working now either, but that's a story for another post.

Anyway, this was my first temp job, and it was supposed to last 3-4 weeks. Pretty sweet at $20/ hour. I don't know what I did wrong but when I came back from lunch they said they didn't need me after all and that I should leave. It took me a minute to realize they meant "and don't come back." It took all I had not to burst into tears.

My friend of a friend at the temp agency, basically my boss, told me it was nothing about me, they just didn't need the extra help. I bought that- it had been super slow. Later she told me they said I just wasn't a good receptionist. I'll admit I had a hard time learning how to look up the different names and departments. I'll admit I surfed the internet when things were slow, and they were basically slow all morning. But I was only there 3 hours, and for part of that my phone and computer didn't work.

I don't know how I could have done a better job, and I don't think they gave me a fair shake.

Sometimes mood swings are real, and can't be fixed by medication. On Friday I was feeling terrific that something had gone my way and that I would be employed, however menially. Today I feel so low I almost had to call my therapist, but I'm seeing her tomorrow, so I'll wait. In the meantime, I'll alternate between crying and sleeping until my partner gets home, then I'll try not to burden him more than necessary.

Blogs are a great place to vent. And they already have a new temp job lined up for me, which is nice. I hope I don't fuck it up too.

Good Times and Bad Times

2007-04-22T19:16:00.001Z

The last two weeks have been a bi-polar rapid cycling nightmare. I have had no inclination to blog, even though I always feel better when I write. When I'm up, I don't want to blog about the bad times, and when I'm down, I can't do anything. This blog is important to me and important to my therapy and progress.

Eventually I will need to get a job, but all I can do is lie in the bed. Something has to change. I can't live my life through a television and a laptop. I have to do my fucking taxes.

Sometimes I take Adderall that I get from my best friend. This super speedy pill allows me to have a normal day. When I used to take it recreationally, before my diagnoses, it would flip me into a manic episode. More on this later.

What did people with depression do before laptops? Televisions? I used to devour books- reading has always been a passion for me- but my depression has ruined that source of pleasure. Depression takes away everything you love.

I Applied for Public Assistance Today

2007-04-03T15:29:00.000Z

As if I couldn't feel any worse. I left my half-million dollar townhouse after removing my $25,000 wedding ring and drove my late model Mercedes down to the DC Department of Health to apply for medicaid, food stamps, and whatever else they might have that could help me. All around me were people with real problems, and I felt like dirt.

My therapist says not think that way, that my problems are just as real as anyone else's, but she's wrong. My own actions and choices brought me to here, to my knees. I'm facing the career-crippling embarrassment of having my phone cut off (or the lights), possible eviction, even starvation. I have less than a thousand dollars in my checking account and I haven't paid the mortgage in two months.

I'm different from the others, and they can tell by my self-manicured nails and designer bag. I'm different, because I truly believe, that my family will help me.

And that makes me feel even worse.

I don't want to be that girl, the spoiled brat whose family always bails her out. I never have been, and I don't want to be.

I'm pretty much cut off from my family. The don't believe I'm sick, or don't think it matters. I don't think they care, really, they are just tired of dealing with my problems. I am all alone.

Except this time, I really, really need to be bailed out. They have to, right?

Ho Hum

2007-03-18T20:17:00.000Z

Most of the time I am low. Even with medication I have trouble getting out of bed. I'm on four different daily drugs, and I borrow adderall from my roommate just to function. I've applied for disability. My doctor thinks they'll compensate me for all the time I've been unable to work.

The Flips

2007-02-28T19:05:00.000Z

About three years ago, I crashed, but before that I was an amazing girl. Attractive, popular party girl with a great job and active social life. My flips were fabulous. There are degrees, and most of the time when I flipped I kept things under control. A flip that remains in control makes me gregarious, unpredictable, impulsive and frankly, delightful. People are drawn to me, laugh with me, and act out with me.

The acting out is a problem. For another post.

My Lover

2007-02-26T19:01:00.000Z

If it wasn't for my partner taking care of me I don't know what I'd do. I have the most wonderful partner in the world, and I am very lucky in this regard. But I'm scared he's getting burned out and I don't want him to leave me because I'm disfunctional.

Several of you have written in suggesting doctors and treatments, and I'm so appreciative. I have a wonderful doctor/therapist and she's done wonders with me over the past years.

When I first went to see her my partner had to clean me up and dress me like a little girl and half-carry me to the car. It wasn't that I didn't want help, I just couldn't get out of bed.

I know he resents the burdens I place on him. I try to do all I can, but I haven't left the house in three weeks. We are running out of money because I haven't worked in three years, and that takes its toll on our relationship too.

I cry everytime I think about losing him, and I think about it every day.

Don't Ask, I Won't Tell

2007-02-24T19:37:00.000Z

WaPo had an interesting article this weekend about whether you should tell your boss if you have mental illness. It's a good read, and a real dilemma.

No one knows that I am sick. People think I am an unreliable flake from all the years I went untreated. I believe that if I give them the real story, they won't trust me. I have to let my actions prove otherwise.

I believe that I can.

Good Times and Bad Times

2007-02-20T18:47:00.000Z

Flip

2007-02-10T20:25:00.000Z

I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I was only diagnosed recently, but I've known I was different my whole life. Even with treatment, I am still different. Sometimes, I just flip.

I think I'm getting better, but I'm in bed right now. I haven't left the bed all week except to pee and walk the dogs. I had food delivered.I hide my depression from the world. Everyone thinks I'm just hard to pin down because I am super busy. They think I'm highly successful. My friend's don't know anything is wrong.

My friends do know about the flips. Anyone who drinks with me has seen me flip. The man behind the curtain flips a light switch and I lose all self control. Usually I become a fabulous and charming party girl, but I've been known to strip, steal, have sex with strangers, refuse to leave bars, try break into bars, try to buy drugs from strangers, play in the toilet, insult people to their faces, spill the deepest secrets of myself and my loved ones, and act out in other ways so bad I can't write about them yet. There are naked pictures of me on the internet, hooking up with both guys and girls.

I've been arrested several times for partying related incidents, but I usually manage to worm my way out of trouble. I am manipulative and sociopathic, and I've been blessed with good looks, so I get away with more than I should.

I am 31 years old.

Two years ago, I had a nervous break down and sunk into a deep depression. I still didn't see a doctor for over a year, and I had to use cocaine or adderall just to leave the house.

Now I'm medicated and I'm not supposed to drink or do drugs, but I still do.

Since I'm practically a shut-in, I surf the internet a lot, and I read a lot of blogs. My therapist suggested that I start a blog about my struggles, so here I am. This blog is my confessional- there are things I can't even tell my therapist.It will be nice to have an outlet for my shame. Any community support would just be a bonus.

Things are quiet. I'll probably stay in bed tomorrow too. Dysthymia isn't interesting, but my flips from the past should give me plenty of material.

I'm Aerial. Welcome to my World.

Welcome to my World

2007-01-28T04:23:00.000Z

Last year I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but I've known I was different my whole life. Even with treatment, I am still different. Sometimes, I just flip.

I think I'm getting better, but I'm in bed right now. I haven't left the bed all weekend except to pee and walk the dogs. I had food delivered.

I hide my depression from the world. Everyone thinks I'm just hard to pin down because I am super busy. They think I'm highly successful. My friend's don't know anything is wrong.

My friends do know about the flips. Anyone who drinks with me has seen me flip. The man behind the curtain flips a light switch and I lose all self control. I've been known to strip, steal, have sex with strangers, refuse to leave bars, try to buy drugs from strangers, play in the toilet, insult people to their faces, and act out in other ways so bad I can't write about them yet.

There are naked pictures of me on the internet, hooking up with both guys and girls. I've been arrested several times for partying related incidents, but I usually manage to worm my way out of trouble. I am manipulative and sociopathic, and I've been blessed with good looks, so I get away with more than I should.

I am 31 years old.

Two years ago, I had a nervous break down. I still didn't see a doctor for a year, and I had to use cocaine or adderall just to leave the house. Now I'm medicated and I'm not supposed to drink or do drugs, but I still do.

Since I'm practically a shut-in, I surf the internet a lot, and I read a lot of blogs. My therapist suggested that I start a blog about my struggles, so here I am. This blog is my confessional- there are things I can't even tell my therapist.

It will be nice to have an outlet for my shame. Any community support would just be a bonus.

Things are quiet. I'll probably stay in bed tomorrow too. Dysthymia isn't interesting, but my flips from the past should give me plenty of material.

I'm Aerial. Welcome to my World.