It's amazing what a difference it makes to have somewhere to go in the morning. I got a new temp job, thank god, and even though I want to kill myself when the alarm goes off at 6:30 am, I like it.
This doesn't mean I'm up for good, or even that I'll have steady work in the future, but this week has been really good. Even though I wear the same outfit every day. Wardrobe decisions are still beyond me at this point, but that's ok. I'm working in a building with 1400 people and no one pays any attention to me. I even get to eat for free by finding out where the conferences are and blending in with the crowd.
So, I'm up. For now. I even went out last night for a little while, but I didn't drink (can't afford it), so no flips to write about. I'm sure my blog would be more interesting if I had the money to keep partying, but I'm afraid that part of my life is behind me now.
I miss it, and I'm afraid it's over for good. I was a fantastic party girl, too. My therapist says I have to grieve properly, to mourn the loss of who I was and who I thought I would be. I guess that process starts now.
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About Me
I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I was only diagnosed recently, but I've known I was different my whole life. Even with treatment, I am still different. Sometimes, I just flip.
I think I'm getting better, but I'm in bed right now. I haven't left the bed all week except to pee and walk the dogs. I had food delivered.I hide my depression from the world. Everyone thinks I'm just hard to pin down because I am super busy. They think I'm highly successful. My friend's don't know anything is wrong.
My friends do know about the flips. Anyone who drinks with me has seen me flip. The man behind the curtain flips a light switch and I lose all self control. Usually I become a fabulous and charming party girl, but I've been known to strip, steal, have sex with strangers, refuse to leave bars, try break into bars, try to buy drugs from strangers, play in the toilet, insult people to their faces, spill the deepest secrets of myself and my loved ones, and act out in other ways so bad I can't write about them yet. There are naked pictures of me on the internet, hooking up with both guys and girls.
I've been arrested several times for partying related incidents, but I usually manage to worm my way out of trouble. I am manipulative and sociopathic, and I've been blessed with good looks, so I get away with more than I should.
I am 31 years old.
Two years ago, I had a nervous break down and sunk into a deep depression. I still didn't see a doctor for over a year, and I had to use cocaine or adderall just to leave the house.
Now I'm medicated and I'm not supposed to drink or do drugs, but I still do.
Since I'm practically a shut-in, I surf the internet a lot, and I read a lot of blogs. My therapist suggested that I start a blog about my struggles, so here I am. This blog is my confessional- there are things I can't even tell my therapist.It will be nice to have an outlet for my shame. Any community support is just a bonus.
Things are quiet. I'll probably stay in bed tomorrow too. Dysthymia isn't interesting, but my flips from the past should give me plenty of material.
I'm Aerial. Welcome to my World.