The last two weeks have been a bi-polar rapid cycling nightmare. I have had no inclination to blog, even though I always feel better when I write. When I'm up, I don't want to blog about the bad times, and when I'm down, I can't do anything. This blog is important to me and important to my therapy and progress.
Eventually I will need to get a job, but all I can do is lie in the bed. Something has to change. I can't live my life through a television and a laptop. I have to do my fucking taxes.
Sometimes I take Adderall that I get from my best friend. This super speedy pill allows me to have a normal day. When I used to take it recreationally, before my diagnoses, it would flip me into a manic episode. More on this later.
What did people with depression do before laptops? Televisions? I used to devour books- reading has always been a passion for me- but my depression has ruined that source of pleasure. Depression takes away everything you love.
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4 comments:
Good luck...and stay strong! Everything will fall back into place eventually.
Good luck. As a former psych major, I'd encourage anyone who's going through depression to seek help. You are very brave for talking about this.
I take adderall. At first it was sweet but I swear my body is used to it now. It doesn't seem to work as well as it did when I first started taking it....
Be careful with that Adderall. It's easy to get addicted to, and it can really mess you up if you take too much.
I was taking it for about a year with no problems, but then started working out (last January, essentially going from no workout at all to 1 intensive hr on the elliptical or running on treadmill 5 days/week), and I think all of that excess dopamine did a number on me (exercise increases dopamine and adderall increases dopamine availability). Of course, my super-observant doctor didn't even notice the 10lb weight loss or think that my dose should have been lowered (I think he was the model for that movie "Requiem for a Dream")
It's scary because you can actually get something called "amphetamine psychosis" if the dose stays high over a long period of time.
I feel much better now that I lowered the dose myself. One other sign that your dose is too high is that it can actually make you sleepier (which was actually happening to me also).
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