I got fired from my temp job today.
I haven't been blogging because I've been trying to actually get out of bed every day, at least for a little while. A friend of a friend works at a temporary agency, and she pushed my application through, and I had my first job today. And not a moment too soon- my checking account balance is critically low, and I need to do something. My partner isn't working now either, but that's a story for another post.
Anyway, this was my first temp job, and it was supposed to last 3-4 weeks. Pretty sweet at $20/ hour. I don't know what I did wrong but when I came back from lunch they said they didn't need me after all and that I should leave. It took me a minute to realize they meant "and don't come back." It took all I had not to burst into tears.
My friend of a friend at the temp agency, basically my boss, told me it was nothing about me, they just didn't need the extra help. I bought that- it had been super slow. Later she told me they said I just wasn't a good receptionist. I'll admit I had a hard time learning how to look up the different names and departments. I'll admit I surfed the internet when things were slow, and they were basically slow all morning. But I was only there 3 hours, and for part of that my phone and computer didn't work.
I don't know how I could have done a better job, and I don't think they gave me a fair shake.
Sometimes mood swings are real, and can't be fixed by medication. On Friday I was feeling terrific that something had gone my way and that I would be employed, however menially. Today I feel so low I almost had to call my therapist, but I'm seeing her tomorrow, so I'll wait. In the meantime, I'll alternate between crying and sleeping until my partner gets home, then I'll try not to burden him more than necessary.
Blogs are a great place to vent. And they already have a new temp job lined up for me, which is nice. I hope I don't fuck it up too.
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About Me
I suffer from bi-polar disorder. I was only diagnosed recently, but I've known I was different my whole life. Even with treatment, I am still different. Sometimes, I just flip.
I think I'm getting better, but I'm in bed right now. I haven't left the bed all week except to pee and walk the dogs. I had food delivered.I hide my depression from the world. Everyone thinks I'm just hard to pin down because I am super busy. They think I'm highly successful. My friend's don't know anything is wrong.
My friends do know about the flips. Anyone who drinks with me has seen me flip. The man behind the curtain flips a light switch and I lose all self control. Usually I become a fabulous and charming party girl, but I've been known to strip, steal, have sex with strangers, refuse to leave bars, try break into bars, try to buy drugs from strangers, play in the toilet, insult people to their faces, spill the deepest secrets of myself and my loved ones, and act out in other ways so bad I can't write about them yet. There are naked pictures of me on the internet, hooking up with both guys and girls.
I've been arrested several times for partying related incidents, but I usually manage to worm my way out of trouble. I am manipulative and sociopathic, and I've been blessed with good looks, so I get away with more than I should.
I am 31 years old.
Two years ago, I had a nervous break down and sunk into a deep depression. I still didn't see a doctor for over a year, and I had to use cocaine or adderall just to leave the house.
Now I'm medicated and I'm not supposed to drink or do drugs, but I still do.
Since I'm practically a shut-in, I surf the internet a lot, and I read a lot of blogs. My therapist suggested that I start a blog about my struggles, so here I am. This blog is my confessional- there are things I can't even tell my therapist.It will be nice to have an outlet for my shame. Any community support is just a bonus.
Things are quiet. I'll probably stay in bed tomorrow too. Dysthymia isn't interesting, but my flips from the past should give me plenty of material.
I'm Aerial. Welcome to my World.
3 comments:
Losing the job really had nothing to do with you. It had all to do with them. Not having a phone/computer for part of the day and the fact that it was incredibly slow was their issue and they were irresponsible for even hiring someone in the first place.
I'm sure you'll get more temp work soon and that it will go better than this job.
I got fired from my temp job too, like a week ago. I totally feel for ya.
Meanwhile, I had a temp job like that once. I was there for.....3 hours? I even wore a tie.
F'ers. I didn't do anything wrong and can type faster than most anyone I know. Meanwhile, the temp agency said they couldn't send me out on any other jobs.
That was a nice time in my life =(
I can feel for ya.
(btw, it does get better. =)
I got your email and you're welcome. I just thought I'd drop by here to see how you're doing. You must find the strength, Aerial, to get yourself out of bed and to focus on a better future. Forget happy medium right now, this is survival! See your psych/doc ASAP and make sure you are on the right meds. Be totally honest about everything you feel, and your behavior in the past. It's important. No more borrowing of Adderall, it needs to be right for you. You are going through hell and life has bottomed out, but we have all been there, miserable and wanting to die or fly. Start with finding something, anything that will get you moving. A yoga class, a walk with a friend. You can navigate out of this, but it's very hard to do it alone. You need all the support you can get, in your real, not just virtual life. Don't go crazy trying to convince "friends" or family members who don't believe or understand; just hang onto those who do. Keep us posted, and remember you are not alone. All the best.
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